My flesh is rising up in me today, kicking back against this idea of suffering, of dying to self, of giving up my life in order that I might gain God, gain his life, be able to walk in the Spirit more effectively. My flesh and spirit are at war. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to give up my creature comforts, much less my physical needs. And yet, my heart yearns for more of God.
I so want the Holy Spirit to be active in and through me. I desire to see people come into the Kingdom; to come to know God’s love, his peace, his wisdom, his comfort. But I can’t do this. It has to be through his Holy Spirit working through me. I need more of him and less of me!
I’m understanding the need to subdue my flesh in order to live out of the Spirit. But herein lies the problem, I don’t want to. My physical person is so strong in me that I don’t want to let go.
I’m not talking about external sin issues here. God has worked so much out of my life over the years as his child. No, I’m talking about a deeper inner struggle of the concept of going to the cross for him. Of taking up my cross and following him, of being willing to physically die or not have my needs met for the sake of the gospel, of being willing to give up my physical comforts, even my physical needs., wanting God’s spiritual life to be so dominate that this physical world pails in comparison. Like Paul said in Romans 8:18, that the glory which is to be revealed in us is not comparable to the present realities of the suffering we endure or might endure for the sake of the gospel. I want God’s spirit to be that dominant in me that I’d gladly give up my life for him. And I’m just saying that I’m not there and I know it. I can’t even seem to give up a day of food, let alone my life!
Paul wrote to the Corinthian church of all the struggles he and his team faced. They dispaired of theri very lives. They thought they were going to die, (2 Cor 1). They were put in a position of being totally dependent on God for every ounce of strength to carry on. It was in that desperation where they found him. His comfort supported them through their ordeal. More, it was God’s strength through his Spirit who sustained them.
So, like Paul who was despairing of his very life, I am despairing of my own ability to embrace dying to self. Instead of dreading dying to self, I should embrace it, since it is in such a state of despair, at that place where there is no more me to rely on, that I find God. Oh Lord! I want to be there! I want your comfort to be enough for me to be willing to embrace self sacrifice. My flesh is so strong within me. I cry out with Paul, saying, “Who will deliver me from this body of death?” (Rom 7:24). His response was, “Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!.”
So I’ll not despair. In my own strength I’m not able to win this struggle of dying to self, but I know one who is able. Jesus invites us to ask and keep on asking, seek and keep on seeking, knock and keep on knocking, and we will find, I will receive what I am asking for, the door will be open to me. So I thank God, that I can rely on him to change me, to give me the willingness to suffer for his sake.
It is in this process of being changed by the Holy Spirit that I rest. I desire the Holy Spirit to be active in and through me, and I recognize the need for the Spirit to work through me for the Gospel’s sake. This means I live through the Spirit in me and not my fleshly nature. As Paul writesa:
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. . . . (and) if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Romans 8:5-17
Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live. For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.