(Originally posted May 2017 on TheScoop2017)
The semester is complete and I’m waiting for the summer session to begin. This interim provides time for pause and reflection and to consider what in the world to do with myself. I’ve never been good at doing nothing, which is what it seems I did today.
When school is in session, each day is filled with projects and studying that needs to be done. Your mind and body float from one deadline to the next, with weekly fun events sprinkled between school work and any additional jobs or internships the student has. Basically, your time is consumed and your focus is dictated by others.
With no current classes, my time is my own and I’m having to decide what I do with it. I feel in limbo. But this interim has forced me realize that soon, school will be over and the next step is up to me to create.
Because of my age, I’ve hesitated to get an entry-level job after school, opting instead to write freelance. Without a place to actually work though, I’m afraid I won’t be productive. Instead, I can picture myself sleeping till mid morning, then getting up and reading a book while sitting in a chair at a sunny window. Then, I’ll fall asleep. No one is here to care and there aren’t any little ones needing to be tended to since my family has all grown.
But I’ve always resisted being inactive. The most boring thing I could think of is to sit on a beach somewhere and watch the sun move through the sky. If I’m going to be sitting, sticky with sweat and smeared with sun screen, smelling, with sand stuck to my legs and feet, I want to be doing something. Since I don’t like to knit, writing seems to be the better choice.
There’s still the issue of motivation and creating a schedule, a purpose, a focus. I remember being a stay-at-home mom for so many years in the past, needing to create my own schedule and follow it or I’d not get anything done. This worked for me then and I stayed quite active. Maybe the biggest shift then isn’t the need to create my own schedule but having now been in school for five years and having others create that focus for me, I’m realizing I’m in limbo between the school focus and the need to create a schedule for myself again.
I have a few weeks to catch up on projects I’ve put off, and weeds that are growing. Then, I’m heading out to see my children who live in other states. That should tide me over until this summer session begins. But for the future, I’ll be calling those prior disciplines back so I can be focused and write while I sit on that beach somewhere. Surely, once the ball is rolling, momentum will take over and I’ll have a life filled with meaning and purpose once again.